How did she know there was a scream inside? Don’t read this Just don’t.
My friend called today, and we talked about random things. Not the scary thing that changed everything. Just random life stuff. Off course she asked how I am and how he is. But the conversation meandered on for hours. After a while out of the blue she said, “well if you just want to scream come over”. I felt a comforting wing of safety wrapping around me. We laughed but I knew she meant it. Somehow, I felt safe again.
Later I told G about the things we talked about. He knows the truth. He and I were side by side this whole horrible time. I was there when he said, “I’ve lived a good life, it’s okay, I can go now”. but I wouldn’t let him. I just kept asking him to stay “one more day” (everyday). Then the ER happened. I slept in that awful hospital recliner. I was his cheerleader. “You’re doing so great!” Celebrated small victories. Kept it positive. Turn my head when tears came. Fight behind the scenes requesting tests and medication so he could simply focus on healing. Ask, ask ask. No, I’m not strong. (I gagged in the ER; & I’m terrified all the time). G was fighting so hard. I just couldn’t imagine how someone could suffer pain so long. I admire nurses and staff that work so hard. They meet you at the worst day of your life and somehow manage to keep showing up. God bless Hope, Charity & Sasha. The day we came home I have never felt so alone. I remember the Flower Moon & extreme FEAR. Medically we knew coming home was too soon, but he was so miserable at the hospital. There he was hooked up to beeping things. Now it is all up to me. I stayed up night after night watching him & scared. He slept 20 hours a day. He tried hard to get back, move, be in the world. Another week at home and finally, the doctors think they know. Finally, there’s a plan. We’re in the middle now. Still not confident it’s going to be okay, but the sparkle is back in his eyes… and he’s hilarious again.
Fast forward today talking to my friend I REALIZE that IF I knew someone with this exact same circumstance, I wouldn’t know what to say or do! Why don’t I know?
Here’s what I did, – I declined help from everyone, I couldn’t enjoy anything. It wasn’t sadness, pure fear. It’s not something to share.
TODAY, during talk about baseball and family, she said “Well if you just want to scream, come over”. So Nonchalant. How did she know there was a scream inside?
shenaniganswithleannagainwebdotme 